chapter XVII

Doing Good For Others While Being Annoyed

I have written before on this blog about people who inspire me.  I have a new person to add to that mix...The Big H!  Yes, the husband has made the list.  So many reasons why this is true, but I would like to highlight one trait in particular.  My husband, God bless him, is a believer.  He believes he can make a difference in almost any situation, and this is a wonderful thing.

He picked me up from work yesterday, and as I got into the car he "shhhh'd" me since he was on the phone.  It appeared he was waiting for someone to pick up.  When that certain someone did pick up, my husband said:

"Hi, I am calling to report a pothole on 47th and Park."

Now, we live in New York City.  Reporting a pothole in NYC is like reporting a prostitute in Bangkok.  Sorry, Bangkok, but our potholes are EVERYWHERE.  Driving a car in this city makes one wonder where DO our tax dollars go?  When faced with such a vast problem as one little person, my inclination is often to throw my hands in the air.  MY husband?  Oh no.  That is the time to jump in.  He was thrilled (THRILLED!) when Mayor Bloomberg introduced 311.  311 is New York City's phone number for government information and non-emergency services.  Their website says "Whether you're a resident, business owner, or a visitor, all the resources of New York City are just a phone call away... "

Whatever to all that, is my attitude.  I mean, who really listens to what is reported on 311?  I am sure thousands of calls are made everyday, and do they really make a difference?  Yeah, right.

My husband is quite possibly 311's most frequent caller.  He reports potholes, broken lights, car alarms that go off in the middle of the night, broken parking meters, you name it.  My husband, you see, is a believer.

I listened in awe last night as he maintained a 10 minute conversation with the 311 operator, explaining to her that said pothole was a car eater, and a major road hazard.  I think he actually said it was just shy of a crater and a smaller car may very well fall completely into it. 

And as I listened, I realized how cynical, apathetic and horrible I can be.  On something like that, I might bitch and moan but keep on going.  He stops to make a difference.  I see myself as an agent of change and an influencer in my immediate circle of existence, but I am thinking too small.  The Big H sees himself as an agent of change regardless of the size of the pond.  Small pond (a workplace, for example) or big pond (NYC, for example) he is confident that his voice can and will be heard.  And cheers to that.  I can learn from that.  What a wonderful way to be - not cynical but optimistic; not apathetic but active and positive you can make a difference in just about any situation.  It's in his DNA, and I hope that rubs off on me.  If more people were like that, perhaps there would be fewer potholes, more peace on the streets, more flowers planted in the urban jungle, more citizen uprisings about issues that affect our country and the world.  Something to think about.

Life Balance...A New Unreality Show

I have been thinking a lot about life balance lately.  I have come to a conclusion...it's not possible.  Don't call me negative!  I am a realist.  I mean come on...roll the "life balance" movie tape please...

You have a big career where you run things and do really really well; you eat dinner with your family five times a week at 6PM (where of course you make dinner...from scratch).  You maintain an active social life where you see friends and are a regular consumer of culture; you read all the latest and greatest books, keep up on pop culture, take four weeks of vacation, have sex with your significant other (OFTEN), sleep eight full cozy hours a night, work out three to five times a week and pay bills/run errands/get laundry done etc. etc. etc. 

I mean, come on.  And I am an embracer of chaos, but that type of existence seems just out of reach.  So I have two new ideas...you CAN have it all, just not all at once.  Yes, we might die tomorrow, but let's think positive...assuming you don't, there are different times in your life when you focus on different elements of your life while others go on the backburner.  It's about choosing which pot is on which burner.  Not easy decisions.  But reality - tradeoffs.

Next, I read something recently and darn it cannot remember where (probably Oprah magazine, which I always feel guilty buying but which I ALWAYS enjoy).  The article said that while seeking balance, look to presence for your answer.  What does this mean?  It means be where you are...as much as possible.  When at work, focus on work.  Leave your kids and family at home.  Focus on your job.  Be in it.  When at home, leave your work at work.  Be at the table with your kids.  Listen to what they say.  Have a conversation with your significant other where you are fully present.  Balance through presence. 

You may be saying "Not possible!  I always multi-task and that is how I get through my day."  Well, more and more research suggests that we are way less effective at every task when we multi-task. 

I am a big believer in presence, living in the present, being in the now.  It's not easy, and I am in no way good at it, but I aspire to it.  And I love the idea "Balance Through Presence".  So there we go.  My soapbox for the day.

Baseless Invitations

I received an email the other day from a person I have known for a long time.  I am not especially close to this person, but I've always kind of liked him/her.  The email was an introduction to someone else, someone who probably needs advice about careers.  The email suggested I should try to get together with this person within the next three days (to help them, not me).  And then it was signed basically "Hope you are well.  Give me a call and we'll grab lunch soon."

OK.  So basically the email was "I have not talked to you in ages.  I met a person and want to help her so I am introducing her to others.  You should take time soon to meet her even though I have no idea what is going on in your life and did not ask in advance if you have the time to deal with this.  Let's do lunch.  You call me."

I would hope that I am reading too much into this and my above interpretation was not the sender's intention.  But, it made me pause.  We are a busy society.  A society where we say "how are you?" and don't listen for the answer.  A society where we say "let's get together" without saying "OK, when?"  A society where because we have cell phones rather than actually making and committing to a plan we say things like "let's get together Saturday.  Call me on my cell and we'll hook up" and MAYBE the meeting happens about 50% of the time. 

This email continues that theme for me.  It's passive I-have-reached-out so tag you are it socializing.  Let's say it like it is - that is not a real invitation.  A real invitation is someone calling or emailing and saying "Let's get together - here are some times that work for me.  What about you?"  The email I got was throwing the responsibility of making the arrangement on the recipient, basically, a meaningless, baseless invitation. 

I am sure I do this too - and I am not proud of that.  Probably don't even realize when I do it.  So thank you, said emailer, for pointing it out to me and making me pause.  I would like to get back to actual commitments.  Taking responsibility and keeping them.  And that means saying "No, I cannot do that" as opposed to "Maybe" and then not showing up.  Maybe is OK - better than "Yes" and not showing up.  But I don't want to be that person - I want to be someone people can count on to do as I say I am going to do, and whose words and invitations are actually meaningful. 

Out out, damn gadgets!

Technology is ruining my life.

I have not been reading nearly as much as I used to.  This is a disturbing trend...and it's related to a third party that has entered our bed.  No, not a person (dirty mind!), but a PC.  Horrible.  I sit here and type away IN BED.  This is when I used to read books, before bed.  Now I type or check other news feeds.  Pathetic. 

I must put an end to this now.  Has the computer taken over your life in bed?  Do you read less?  Do you have a blackberry within reach of your pillow?  Do you check it first thing in the morning?

I CONFESS.  Guilty of all of the above, and it's making me a poorly read, overwired neurotic who jumps at the sign of a red beeping light on a blackberry. 

I think I may have even developed a technology twitch.  Enough.  I am shutting down.  Think about it - have you incorporated technology into every aspect of your life...to your detriment?

New Commandment: Thou shalt not bring any technological device such as a blackberry, cell phone or computer into bed.  For any reason.

What I Learned From a Backbend

I learned something interesting this morning.  We are stronger than we realize.

The Big H and I took a mini-vacation to Jamaica a few weeks ago.  On our last day there we took a yoga class.  One of the poses was a backbend, which you get into by starting on the floor (as opposed to from a standing position and bending backwards, which certainly would have done both of us major bodily harm).  So there I was on the mat, ready to push up.  I had done this thousands of times as a child and teenager.  Why not now.  Well, why not now for SEVERAL reasons, including that I am now weak!  I was strong before.  This now is less the case.

So I was discouraged.  The zen-like yoga lady encouraged me.  It would be OK.  Keep practicing and I would get there.  Get there????  I thought.  Oh, no, honey, I don't need to GET there!  I am usually the one in the class that does the advanced move!  Well, at least I thought I would be.  But no, not this time.  Age, inflexibility, and weakness had prevailed.   And at that moment I lost the yoga like peacefulness I had gained because I was frustrated.

This morning I got up and turned on a yoga class (PBS, I think).  We did a few things and then we got into the dreaded ready-for-the-backbend pose.  I was nervous.  Should I really start the day with a failure?  But I remained patient.  On the first try, I did not push up.  OK.  I accepted that.  At least I had not expected to be able to do it.  And then the instructor on TV said "This is hard, we will try it again."  Weird.  Can she see me?  So we tried again.  And I managed to push up a little.  I was thrilled.  I got my head off the ground.  Again.  Try number three.  And I got my head further off the ground.  And held it for a second.  And I was thrilled!  Who knew. 

Lesson learned.  We are stronger than we know.  Sometimes we just need to give our bodies (minds) a little warning, a little bit of training to get something out of it.  This ability was in me, I just needed to give it a little patience.  What a good way to start a day.

Gorging Myself On Media

I am outdoing myself with media consumption, and in doing so, am accomplishing/retaining less than I had hoped.   I need to rationalize what I am reading, watching, etc.  "Do Less To Do More."  This is my new motto.  Along with "Be Here Now."  See, it's happening again - is one motto enough?  Nope.  Must have two.  Yikes.  A survey of what I having been taking in, of late:

On TV: The Tudors, various movies on the Sundance channel, The Winds Of War, 20/20's series on faith (the piece on the nuns is pretty interesting), 60 Minutes, 24 (though I am boring of it quickly) and of course Grey's Anatomy (McSeries!).  And I am intrigued by Traveler.  And I watch cooking shows.  But I am a little tired of quick meal, dinner in a hurry, 15 minutes to being a dream wife shows.  Can someone bring Julia back?  Perhaps a show for those of us interested in really cooking?  But I digress.

Now, books: My Life in France, Julia Child; Life is Meals; Founders At Work; Ghost Wars.  I also started Dracula again.  This is my third start with it.  I like it each time and then get distracted.  Third time a charm?  Am also 150 pages into Nicholas and Alexandra.  And of course, So You Think You're Not Religious (thanks Dad).

This is not to mention various other things lying around: the NY Times, NY Magazine, the Atlantic Monthly, two issues of Vanity Fair, more cooking magazines than I care to admit, a few interior design mags (check out Blueprint, BTW - a little frantic, but great ideas), and many many others.

And this is not to mention what I read for work (blogs, newspapers, newsletters, research whitepapers, etc etc etc). 

Clearly I have a problem.  Or I have MADD (Media Attention Deficit Disorder).  I am reading so much that I am actually reading nothing.  I am reading while watching TV.  Unlike others, I will admit I am a mere mortal and am unable to do several things at once.  While my bookshelf might suggest I am a fabulously in the know person who is up on all kinds of things, this could not be further from the truth.  Crap.  I am a fraud!  I suspect that this fragmenting of my mind and attention is doing me a major disservice.  I am all talk and no knowledge.  I am comprehending little and retaining even less. 

Do others have secrets on how they manage to get through it all and at cocktail parties spout off facts that show they actually read it?  Where do you find the time!  Or is the answer that you take the Martha Stewart Bill Clinton approach - you are not human, you only need 2 hours of sleep, you are trained to speed read (oh no, it comes NATURALLY to you) and therefore consume a book a day...minimum.

Well, not I.  As much as I would like to be a speed reading, need no sleep, bring home the bacon and run a company all while doing power yoga woman, it's just not me.  This feels like a failing.  But that would be silly, wouldn't it?  To allow not being a super human to make you feel like a failure?  Who needs to to 55 things at once anyway?  Perhaps the way to not feel bad about realizing I am not The Bionic Woman is to view the situation through a different lens - the stop and smell the roses lens.  It's OK to read one thing at once.  It's OK to just watch a TV show and not try to get through Proust at the same time. 

So I vow to slow down.  Do one thing at a time, and do it well.  Not spread myself too thin.  Focus.  Do something to completion.  Slow down.  Breathe.

Being a VC

I am a  lucky person.  I have apparently a rather sought after job, as a VC.  I don't write often about my job - there are many many VC blogs out there and I don't really feel the need to share my thoughts about where I am investing, trends I am seeing, how we plan to make money for our investors.  I do, however, like to talk about why I like my job, partly because it's really a rarity to enjoy your work.  How many people do you know who really like what they do?  I know very few.  Work is work.  It's a four letter word.  But I am lucky, I like my job.  Why is that?

I get to work with really smart people doing really interesting things.

I get to see trends and how entrepreneurs are changing industries. 

Working with young companies allows you to have a real impact on building an industry.

I like to read, do research, and talk to people about new ideas.  This is what I do for work!  Does not feel like work - what a wonderful thing.

I get to test a lot of new ideas.  I follow companies in the social networking space to see how people will interact differently in the future.  I still think services like Facebook and Geni are in their infancy.  I test new services like RSS readers and bookmarking tools and many others.  We have no idea how big these things can be.  I get to think about how students will learn differently in the future, new ways to deliver information, new tools for corporate heavyweights to make decisions.  This is good stuff.

I have to bet on myself, and our team, here at my firm.  The buck stops here, as they say.  This, of course, can be terrifying.  But it can also be highly rewarding. 

I used to be in investment banking.  We advised.  In VC, we advise and DO. 

It's a job that prioritizes building over breaking down; thinking forward rather than relying on heuristics.  It's greenfield, whole cloth territory.

I like the variety of the day.  I worked in the magazine business for a while and man, did I get sick of talking about page rates.  In VC, because we have a portfolio of deals, there is high variety to the day.  I get bored easily, so this works for me.

The best part is working with entrepreneurs.  The founders of our companies are highly passionate, engaged, gunners.  They are optimistic killers by nature.  A wall is just something to climb over.  Obstacles?  Pashaw - bring it on!  These are folks who ask "Why not?" and then go make change.  I am surrounded by people like this.  It's inspiring in so many ways beyond business.  It's a mentality I am trying to emulate, and carry around with me every day. 

So why write this post?  Well, I realized  I hit an interesting place in life - liking my job, and I wanted to record the moment.  So here it is.  I am excited to re-read this post in 20 years. 

Why I Hated Georgetown

Hate is such a strong word.  I am not sure it's totally appropriate in this instance, but I really don't look back on much of my college experience fondly.  And since you only get one shot at college, and I did not like mine so much, I have taken to casually using the word "hate" when describing my Georgetown experience.

I need to get over this and be real.  First of all, it does not really matter since it's in the past.  But now in my mid 30s (or as my father would say, middle-aged...thanks, Dad) I am increasingly sentimental and increasingly saddened that I did not enjoy those four years more than I did.

What this really comes down to is accepting who I was at that time, and realizing my lack of good memories was as much about me as the place.

So what is this all about?  After years of thinking about it, I am ready to admit it was simply my own insecurity that created - and has fostered - such ill feelings about my college experience.  I felt totally out of place at Georgetown.  I never felt like I fit in.  I was incredibly jealous that so many people had more money than I did.  I had to hold down jobs and resented that I could not go on vacations with other students.  I did not feel smart.  I was embarrassed that I did not know what Phillips Academy was, or Groton or Middlesex, for that matter.  I was angry that my high school - supposedly one of the best in the country - gave us multiple choice tests and did not ask us to write.  I was mortified that my high school extracurricular activities did not include field hockey...and that, frankly, that was not an option at my school.  I had to fake knowledge of things that seemed so natural to everyone else (What is investment banking?  What is this McKinsey place people are talking about?  Where is Gstaad?  What is Wharton?).  I was even embarrassed with my close friends (and yes, I did have friends there) when we went away to their summer houses and I did not know how to water ski.  I did not grow up going to camp or with a lake house, how would I know how to water ski?  And I was too afraid of looking silly to simply enjoy learning to water ski at that time.  For me, it was like the after school special of not knowing anyone to sit with in the cafeteria, and feeling worthless because it seemed everyone else had tons of friends, endless knowledge, ease in social situations.  And of course, knew how to ski, play golf and tennis. 

It was a tough time.  I had never not fit in, and it never occurred to me that I would feel this way during the years that everyone said would be the best of my life. 

So here I am, at 34...still thinking about and regretting how I spent my years at Georgetown, and wishing I had the fabulous college memories everyone else seems to have.  I still believe I met a lot of people I simply did not like - and that was not all based on my psyche.  Some people just suck.  But now I realize, am ready to admit, and more importantly accept, that much of my sub-par experience was because of where I was at that time.

Most importantly, memories are great but what you have today is what really matters.  And I count two of my closest friends in the world from Georgetown.  They alone were worth any yuck I felt.

Running and Life Lessons

Yesterday I rediscovered my youth.  I ran a half-marathon, which is a distance I have not even come to close to in more than ten years.  In 1996 I ran the NYC Marathon, and as part of training for that, ran several half marathons...since then my running has been, let's say, a tad more CHILL than that.

But I needed a goal a few months ago, and the More Half Marathon, it was.  I must admit, I was nervous.  I had trained, though I missed a few runs and had a couple too many rum drinks last week in Jamaica (carbo loading?), but regardless of how much time you put in, there is always the risk that you have a bad day.  That is one of the great lessons of running - one day you can feel like a rock star and run with speed and ease, another - for no apparent reason - you feel like a pile of doo right out of the gate.  Like life, in running, no matter how much you prepare, there are things that are out of your control.

Similarly, as I ran I was reminded why the phrase "this too shall pass" is too true.  At mile 3 (yes, 3...only 10 more to go!) I hit a wall.  It was the hill on the north end of Central Park and damn if that fucker (it is a fucker) did not kick my ass.  My legs felt like lead and I was winded.  Then I panicked as I imagined feeling like death for 10 more miles.  And then something distracted me, a song, a person...not sure what...and I looked up and realized I had hit mile 5.  Well, how the heck did that happen?  And I felt great.  Evidence of This Too Shall Pass.  It passed, and the next time around that same hill (we had to run it twice) my mantra was TTSP as I once again stammered to the top.  And felt fine once again.  Life lesson, ya'll.

And the race continued on.  4 miles to go at that point, after putting in the first 9.  I was looking forward to seeing the Big H cheer me on at mile 12, our agreed upon meeting point.  I approached 12, fluffed my hair a bit (I really did), hoped I did not have salt laden cheeks and prayed there was no Gu Loogey on my chin.  I hit mile 12...no husband.  Where the hell was he!!??!?!   I started to think "Could he have been in an accident?  He was riding his bike up here.  Could he simply be LATE????  Oh my god, if he is LATE I will KILL him!  What if his bike tire popped...or what if he just forgot to fill the damn thing!!!"

At this point my mind as well as my legs are racing and I am at one moment panicked a taxi cab has mowed him down and the next I am plotting his destruction since CLEARLY he has forgotten about me, or is late or something else inexcusable. 

And then there he was.  Arms up, coffee in hand, sunglasses on, on the side of the course at mile 12.5.  No bike.  He got there and thought he had missed me and did not want to go to mile 12 as it was too far back so he waited there.  Arms up.  And he was a sight to behold.  I was thrilled. 

After seeing him and yelling at a man for crossing the course right in front of me (I mean, what an idiot - there were 6,000 women running and dude decides to meander across the road???).  Needless to say, I was spicy.  So I used that to pour it on at the end and finish in 2 hours, 8 minutes and 17 seconds.  My goal was 2 hours 10 minutes.

I crossed the finish line, got my medal and found my husband.  I had reaffirmed - and employed - a few life lessons along the way, I only NEARLY murdered the Big H and quickly forgave myself (for my hasty assumptions) and there was but one pedestrian who suffered my verbal warfare as he crossed the road (he was one second from being human roadkill).  And that was all before 10:30AM on a Sunday.

What a way to start a day.

Don't Lie to Yourself; Own Your Time

When you have a moment, read this post.  The messages are well said - could not have written it better myself.  I want to keep all of this in mind about how I spend my time.  A couple favorite quotes:

"“I really meant to do it, but I didn’t have the time.”  What this statement actually means is either “I didn’t want to,“ or “I didn’t know how to,“ or “I spent the time doing something else more important to me.“  Lack of time is an attractive excuse, because it implies that you’re blameless—a helpless victim of stress, overwork, and external circumstances."

"So if you’re continually telling people that you’d like to relax more, achieve a better work/life balance, improve your education, plan to set up your own business, spend more time with your family, or generally sort out your life, but you don’t have time, you’re not telling the truth. Those things are lower down your list of priorities than whatever it is that you’re spending all that time on. So be honest with yourself. Admit who’s choosing to spend his or her time that way. And if you still want to do what you claim you want, push something else out of the way and make the time."