chapter XVII

Notes on a Birthday

Another year gone by.  I always find myself a little melancholy on my birthday.  Not really because I am older; rather, because I am so darn sentimental that marking time generally makes me a little happy and sad and amazed and frightened and hopeful and, well, you know.

I had a lot of thoughts today.  Jotted them down as the day went on.  In no particular order:

• Starting a new year heading to Times Square two days after a seemingly legit bomb scare is not a feeling I will ever get used to. I know we all expect something to happen, but heading into the storm with a child several miles away is unsettling. But we plod on.
• Here Comes the Sun by George Harrison always reminds me of my mother.
• My dad used to call me late in the day on my birthday. 
• As much as I like my job, right now I wish I were sitting on a bench on the Highline, watching boats go by on the Hudson, drinking Laurent Perrier Rose champagne (out of a paper bag) watching people go by.  Thinking about the book I might write someday.  That is how I should be spending my birthday.
• Well, I am 38 and still no sign of my Grammy.
• I read something interesting today - just a one liner but it was "People should pry more."  I think this is so true.  Ask ask ask your friends family etc. how they are, what they are thinking about, what matters to them, how you can play a part.  And listen to the answers.  Get under the surface.  If you don't, well then you are just skimming and relationships are not built on skimming. 
• TAXES.  What would our lives be like if there were a tax on emails?
• A couple of close friends forgot to call me today.  So I sent them calendar invites to my birthday, recurring forever.  I got a kick out of my old self.
• Do you remember what was important to you (i.e. what you worried about) ten years ago?  I don't really.  I guess that means everything turned out ok.  That is a lesson for right now and ten years from now.

I spent a wonderful weekend with family, this evening with my husband and got a real "Happy Birthday, Mommy!" from Avery.  It does not get any better.  :-)

Regrets. A memoir.

My daughter called me MEAN tonight for the first time.  I am so proud!  This is a sure sign that she is growing up and gaining her sense of self.  Now EAT your lentils!!

Do you have regrets?  I have a few - probably worthy of their own post really.  But here are a few:

• Should have taken a year off between high school and college.
• I cannot believe I don't speak another language (does MSFT Excel count? I am fluent in that).
• Should have run cross country in high school.
• Should have stuck with rowing crew in college.
• Should have listened to my parents when they said "Take piano!"
• [are we catching a theme here, the coulda woulda theme?]
• Should have played more as a kid and not worried about being embarrassed.
• Sunscreen.
• One can always see friends more and call family more than we do.
• Laughing. More of that.
• Should have coupled a minor in English with my Econ major.
• There are hair and outfit regrets. I suppose they make for fun pictures now...don't judge.
• This is a biggie - conflicted biggie - I regret taking my first job out of business school for the money and the name!  Oh there I said it!  I went to Goldman right after b-school and it was a mistake.  I did it because I thought I wanted to talk to hedge fund managers all day about diverse and alpha generating trading strategies!  YES.  That is what I told myself.  But in reality, it was for money, a "known" career path and well, some other dumb reasons.  I left after only a few months - got an offer at an internet start-up and ran.  The event was not terminal but something of a waste.  I pursued that job for nearly a year in b-school.  THAT was the waste.  What other time in your life do you have to experiment?  To try something new?  To look for a job that aligns with your passions?!?!  I had the world as my oyster and I went to...Wall Street.  Bad oyster.  Alas.  Now, if only we had a better way to figure out what we really WANT to do.  And what a luxury.  To have that as a choice. 

So there you have it.  Oh yeah, there are others, but oh how DULL.  I get the whole "I would not be who I AM! if I had done things differently" (I always picture people saying this, channeling their inner Scarlet O'hara.  But please. What a crock.  I mean sure, maybe that is true but really you would not do ANYTHING differently?  OK.  I suppose the way to think of regrets is as opportunities.  Who says I cannot take piano and learn a language now or in the future?  Think of it that way, feel better.   Move on.

I don't really know how my daughter calling me mean led to that diatribe.  I think I thought my parents were mean for trying to force me to do things I did not want to do but now wish I had done.  Now that is a tough balance to strike as a parent.  Think I will just deal with a few regrets tonight and get to my daughter's future therapy needs another day.

A Few Things I Know

You know you are old when the hemlines at a conservative store like Ann Taylor Loft strike you as risqué.

You know you have good neighbors when they call you on a Tuesday night and say "We have some leftover ribs we would love to give you."  Ahh, yes please!

You know you are sentimental when you read about the world's oldest dog dying and you get a little misty.

You know your 18 month old is a GENIUS when she waits until you are about to leave the room after putting her down to sleep before she yells "Wuv YOU!" as loud as she can through a veil of tears.

You know your cats are fat when they have trouble hauling themselves in and out of the litter box.

You know you love your job when you are still working on a long range strategic plan for one of your companies and you barely notice that it's approaching midnight.

You know the BEST time of year in NYC is about to arrive when you leave the house and feel a slight need for a sweater.

You know you have good friends when, well, a lot of things.  I have good friends.

You know you have your financial priorities straight when you are not flipped out by daily market fluctuations.

You know you are not as cool as you used to think you were when everyone is talking about Inglourious Basterds and you think "who are these disgraceful men people keep referring to, and for god's sake, WHY can't they spell 'bastards' correctly!?!?"

I know you may be tired of this now, but I am on a roll, so am going to keep going...

You know you are sitting next to a total snob at a dinner party when said SNOB asks you in all seriousness "So, where do you SUMMER?"  Pardon?  Since when is "summer" a verb?  Excuse me, I almost tripped over my tennis whites.

You know you like your in-laws when they are coming home from a month of vacation and you are really excited to greet them at their house upon return and cook them dinner.

You know you have a great husband when he buys you flowers every once in a while for no reason and fixes things around the house and they actually work after he is done. 

You know you are a parent when the last movie you saw in the theater was (The Age of Your First Child in months + 3 Months) ago because movies went from being $30 for 2 to $130 for two.  Darn babysitting costs.

You know you are done with a blog post when, well, you say to yourself "OK, I may even be boring myself now - ENOUGH!."

Interesting Morning So Far

What an interesting morning so far.  Over a couple of meetings, I have had discussions on the following topics:

How to sell a system/product to a school district.

Navigating your career when you are 22 years old and highly analytical but don't want to be an economist or a researcher.

The benefits and challenges of being a venture capitalist.

Why be a venture capitalist.

What it's like to work at a start-up.

Living in London as a 20 year old (I met someone who, like me, lived there for a summer and interned.  Life changing summer).

How to navigate working in a male dominated industry (and whether or not it's true that many men categorize women they work with as one of the following: their daughter, granddaughter, wife or mistress). 

As a mother, how do you balance Correcting with Supporting your child?

When trying to raise money for a company from investors, you must address these three points head on: the Problem, your Solution, your Traction.

What Obama's service initiative means for schools/parents/school administrators and students.

So, what's next?

Just A Little Sanskrit

Saw this today:

“To action alone hast thou a right and never at all to its fruits; let not the fruits of action be thy motive; neither let there be in thee any attachment to inaction”

Followed up by reading this:

Click on this link and read...

Made a whole lot of sense.  Something to keep in mind as you travel through this wild and precious life.  That last phrase, the one about this wild and precious life, that is not mine.  It's from Mary Oliver.  Read the whole thing here.

Lots to think about with these two links today. 

I need to end the day.

So will make this quick.  This day has been full of a lot and a little.  Today I thought about my addiction to a variety of web services, including a new one, http://blip.fm/all, where I connected with a friend of mine who is one of the most amazing hip-hop writers/music reviewers of our time.  I also flew 3,000 miles and miss my child being so very far away.  I had a drink with a couple of work colleagues at Shutters.  I missed my husband, but we had a great chat this evening.  I continued to be inspired by our (my firm's) investments generally, and had a really go-get-em chat with a new contact about education investing. 

I connected with a couple of people on Facebook who I knew/know but would like to know better.

There was no exercise.  There was a little wine.

I wrote a first draft of a strategy session document for one company and built a liquidity table for another (love Excel).

I spoke briefly to a friend about how we can perk up another friend.

Said a quick hello to my mom.  Wondered in amazement that Thanksgiving is a week away.  Tried not to be upset thinking Dad is not here for it.  Though, he would say it's no big loss since he did not love turkey anyway.  You gotta' laugh, you know.

And I was really upset to learn that an acquaintance had died.  I had a three hour conversation with this person only 2 months ago at a party at a friend's house.  We argued about the viability of an online food business.  He was a successful business person, father, husband.

So on that, I thought about these times we are living in.  It passes too quickly, you know.  And nothing really matters, I believe this, but your friendships and family.  If you have to give up your home, buy cheaper shoes, eat beans.  It does not matter.  And if you don't believe me, take one step towards living that way and call a friend.  Say hi.  Ask how they are and listen.  Don't multi-task.  Have a real conversation and realize, that is all that matters. 

Tough times call for, more bacon.

Wow what a weekend.  Beautiful day, today was.  It's nice to have beautiful days in the middle of tough times.  At least we have our health AND the weather.

So how do you shift in times like this to deal with tough economic times?  I have noticed I do several things, such as:

• We eat more chicken thighs.
• I get cheaper haircuts.
• Fewer dinners out.  This is easy since with a 9-month old, our days of eating out all the time are pretty much over.  We have people over instead to catch up with friends.
• I feel EVEN better about skipping brunch.  I always hated waiting in line for $20 eggs I could have cooked better myself.  Now I feel like skipping spendy brunch is the "right" thing to do.
• No taxis.  Unless I am going to the airport.
• I closet shop rather than really shop. 
• We do "not so secret Santa" Christmas giving.
• I read the books on my shelves.
• I read the paper online.
• We eat more vegetables.  And beans.  And fruit.
• Well, on the last point...mostly we eat more vegetables, etc. BUT, I cannot give up flavor.  So, I cook with more, you guessed it, BACON.  Bacon makes everything taste better.  And it's cheap.  Cheap, good, smoked meat flavor.  And sausage.  Italian sausage/kale/white beans all cooked down in some broth with onions and garlic, tossed with pasta.  You cannot go wrong.

Hmmmm.  Well, those all seem like pretty good things regardless of how challenging times might be.  Chicken thighs taste better than white meat anyway (just ask any real cook).  Dinner parties - way better than eating out (usually).  No subways?  I feel more green.  Books?  I have a lot of great unread books on my shelves.  Who needs to go buy something new?  And the vegetables, beans and fruit?  Last I checked, that was a big part of the formula for good nutrition.  So far, so good.

Cheaper haircuts are, however, a risk.  Hair matters.  I always feel like I am cheating when I don't see Patrick.  I love Patrick.  I will go back.  This is only temporary.  Besides, cheaper stylists always want to make me look like Dorothy Hamill or a TV commentator. 

So all in all, times might be tough, but many of these changes are good for me/us anyway.  OK, feeling good.  Feeling frugal.  Eating better.  Not wasting money on things I should not spend on regardless.

Observations from a Working Mom on a Business Trip

As many of you know, I am a fairly new mother.  And I have a full time job.  Right now I am in California, nearly 3,000 miles away from The Bean, Crunch 'n Munch, Super Baby, Avery Boo, Little Punky La Roux (if you have a child, I am sure you can relate to the nicknames).  I am currently on my first extended business trip away from her.  I have been away from her before for a few days, in Germany for a wedding.  That was hard.  This is hard too, but different since it's for work.  I am still new at this mothering thing, but have a few working out-of-the-home mother observations.  Here they are:

• Comfort with leaving her is directly related to having a great nanny.  We have a great nanny.  I never think twice when I leave the house.  Even for a few days.

• She is ok without me.  Her father is a great caregiver.  I am not the only one who can raise her.  I know this sounds like an obvious observation, but I think mothers have a gene that tells us we have to be the one who does things.  I know that is not true.  It's great if I can be that one, but let me not undermine or underestimate her father's ability to take great care of her.

• She will remember me when I get back.  It may take her a second (she is only 8 months old...not even...7 months and 3 weeks) but recognition "wait, I know this person" happens.  That is a wonderful thing.

• Being away clarifies work for me - I better love what I do, or else.  If not, being away shines a bright light in your face that you cannot ignore, as there is real sacrifice.  Thank goodness I have a very meaningful career.

• And finally, there are two first times for everything: the first time she does something, and the first time I see/hear/witness it.  So far this week, I have missed "Ma Ma Ma", the first real crawling and picking up an object with two fingers.  Big sigh.  There is an upside...perhaps if I stay away long enough, she will be potty trained when I return.

Aging, and Acceptance

This is a really good article.  It does not really come to an answer, but it expresses questions and conflicts about aging and expectations, and reconciling dreams with reality that I have been struggling with for a while now.  Take a read if you have a minute.

getting older and smacked around

I have a friend who is turning 36.� I am 36.� Every year she rejects getting older.� This year she suggested a celebration at Denny's for the Blue Plate special.� I sent her this email in response to her birthday invite:

�

"you and this age thing.

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shift your mindset.

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thank god there are no more term papers

be happy there are fewer (if any) pimples

and you don't have to ask your parents for the car keys

or money

or permission to be out

�

and be glad you are not in your twenties. what good were we then? we were all promise and no action. well, not entirely true, but let's face it, it was the decade of potential. this, the 30s and afterwards, is the time of realizing that potential and its associated benefits.

�

besides, what was age appropriate 10 years ago: shorter skirts (ick), feathered hair (are you kidding me), dancing on tables (who needs to have one's skirt looked up), keg stands (your ceiling is far too expensive to suffer that kind of damage), college football games (you can still go, only now you can afford better seats); and remember the music?� how bad was our music in our twenties?� I mean, Hootie?� you cannot be serious.� Counting Crows?� ok, not so terrible, but really not that great. It had it's time, and now, thankfully, we have moved on.� Embrace this decade.� It has so much more to offer.

�

so be the leader you are and think differently.� it's so passe, and so, well, immature to reject your age. �it's something insipid women on Bravo TV shows "The Housewives of..." would do. �and we hate women like that.� they are on the fast track to looking like cat women with their facelifts and over-botoxing (it DOES have its place, I admit).� but in general, you want no part of it.� you don't need it.

�

be a leader

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think Demi Moore and Michelle Pfeiffer. �and, yes I will go there, Madonna. and Bono. �he's old, and he rocks. please do not think Mick Jagger. just let that go.

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age is wisdom
age is better shoes

age is not needing to be heard but rather, actually being listened to

age is confidence in your choices

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as your older and, I will say it, wiser friend, you need to listen to me, or, as your elder, I will be offended if you don't. so happy early birthday"