chapter XVII

New Sensation

I like lists.  I LIVE for lists.  Most of my lists are in Excel.  I also live for Excel.  Recently I came across an old Excel file that had notes on things I'd experienced that were BIG.  We are talking major sensations.  Memories.  Things you re-tell at a bar over a great bottle of wine.  Some of which I never want to experience again, and others which I hope to get to again.  Here is what I found:

• Singing on stage in front of several hundred people.  College. 
• Winning a crew race where we were at least two boats behind, dead in the water, the odds on loser and yet...we WON.  We WON.  Man did that feel good.
• Getting stuck under a raft in a moving river.  In Chile. 
• Realizing at mile 13 that yes, I was going to finish that marathon.
• Opening a mailbox to find that big envelope that you know says "you are in"
• Rock climbing a perfectly vertical and seemingly perfectly smooth (i.e. nothing to grab) rock wall...and then falling.  Was on belay.  And apparently the instructor's object was to push us until we "fell"...never before have I been so in the moment.
• Being told "You are no longer employed by this company" (Thank God, a near miss...was re-hired 6 hours later into a new role.  But oh, the drama of post-9/11 job cuts.)
• Getting a tattoo (I consider this Big.  It will be with me forever.  I'd pondered it for years)
• Seeing Paul McCartney...EATING DINNER TWO TABLES FROM US. Cheesy, perhaps.  But you know you would stare too.  I saw a Beatle.
• Speaking to someone in the moment of death
• Fear for my life
• Looking down the aisle :-)
• Labor pains...let's all take a moment.

OK

• It's a girl
• It's a boy

A Few Things I Know

You know you are old when the hemlines at a conservative store like Ann Taylor Loft strike you as risqué.

You know you have good neighbors when they call you on a Tuesday night and say "We have some leftover ribs we would love to give you."  Ahh, yes please!

You know you are sentimental when you read about the world's oldest dog dying and you get a little misty.

You know your 18 month old is a GENIUS when she waits until you are about to leave the room after putting her down to sleep before she yells "Wuv YOU!" as loud as she can through a veil of tears.

You know your cats are fat when they have trouble hauling themselves in and out of the litter box.

You know you love your job when you are still working on a long range strategic plan for one of your companies and you barely notice that it's approaching midnight.

You know the BEST time of year in NYC is about to arrive when you leave the house and feel a slight need for a sweater.

You know you have good friends when, well, a lot of things.  I have good friends.

You know you have your financial priorities straight when you are not flipped out by daily market fluctuations.

You know you are not as cool as you used to think you were when everyone is talking about Inglourious Basterds and you think "who are these disgraceful men people keep referring to, and for god's sake, WHY can't they spell 'bastards' correctly!?!?"

I know you may be tired of this now, but I am on a roll, so am going to keep going...

You know you are sitting next to a total snob at a dinner party when said SNOB asks you in all seriousness "So, where do you SUMMER?"  Pardon?  Since when is "summer" a verb?  Excuse me, I almost tripped over my tennis whites.

You know you like your in-laws when they are coming home from a month of vacation and you are really excited to greet them at their house upon return and cook them dinner.

You know you have a great husband when he buys you flowers every once in a while for no reason and fixes things around the house and they actually work after he is done. 

You know you are a parent when the last movie you saw in the theater was (The Age of Your First Child in months + 3 Months) ago because movies went from being $30 for 2 to $130 for two.  Darn babysitting costs.

You know you are done with a blog post when, well, you say to yourself "OK, I may even be boring myself now - ENOUGH!."

Things I Hate

I read a post recently on someone's blog that says that most bloggers are very positive in their posts.  That is nice, but let's face it, there are lots of things to be negative about!  Here are a few:

• Really hot humid days
• Homophobia
• People who are easily offended
• Being told I HAVE to do something.  I am kind of bad about this.
• Flat soda
• People who are not inquisitive
• Loud talkers
• People who spend money on things for show.  I am sure I fall into this category myself sometimes, but I am not proud of that.
• People who are mean to waiters and waitresses
• Ball point pens.  I much prefer the Pilot Extra Fine Roller in black.
• People who are quick to judge
• Wet bathroom floors.  Gross.
• Moving
• Worrying about money
• The Macarena
• Losing things.  Makes me feel out of control.
• When someone passes gas in an airplane or an elevator.  I mean, come on people.  Please.
• Bible pounding pastors.  Mercy...how can I hate a pastor?!?!?  Yikes.  Well, it's really the Bible pounding, far right wing thing I hate.
• Tripe

This is harder than I thought.  I don't HATE a lot of things.  Maybe that is a good thing. 

Questions for Thought

If you could be President of the United States, would you take the position?

If you feel unhappy or down, what would you change right then to turn your feelings around?

What would you do within the first 24 hours of winning $1 million, $10 million and $100 million?

If you have a dream you are not following, what is really holding you back?  Is it really something you cannot change, or are you using that as an excuse to not follow your dream?

Do your thoughts rule your emotions?

If you find you often have challenging interactions with people, have you ever thought you might be the problem?

What is the point of saying "I am overwhelmed!"  Are you looking for pity from others?  If yes, how come?  Will that really help?  What about just saying "Hey, I need some help here."

If you set your mind to learning something new in the next twelve months, what would it be?

What happened today that was good?

Which would you rather win, a Grammy or an Oscar?

Little red box (Cartier) or little blue box (Tiffany)?

Beach or lake?

Cat or dog?

Deaf or blind?

Spring or fall?

Breakfast or dinner?

Morning or night?

Mom or dad?  JUST KIDDING - THIS IS NOT A GOOD CHOICE TO HAVE TO MAKE

Flowers or candy?

New handbag or new shoes?

God or atheism?

Italy or France?

If you could pick up right now and move you/your family abroad for a year - and know it would be ok - where would you go?

Gorging Myself On Media

I am outdoing myself with media consumption, and in doing so, am accomplishing/retaining less than I had hoped.   I need to rationalize what I am reading, watching, etc.  "Do Less To Do More."  This is my new motto.  Along with "Be Here Now."  See, it's happening again - is one motto enough?  Nope.  Must have two.  Yikes.  A survey of what I having been taking in, of late:

On TV: The Tudors, various movies on the Sundance channel, The Winds Of War, 20/20's series on faith (the piece on the nuns is pretty interesting), 60 Minutes, 24 (though I am boring of it quickly) and of course Grey's Anatomy (McSeries!).  And I am intrigued by Traveler.  And I watch cooking shows.  But I am a little tired of quick meal, dinner in a hurry, 15 minutes to being a dream wife shows.  Can someone bring Julia back?  Perhaps a show for those of us interested in really cooking?  But I digress.

Now, books: My Life in France, Julia Child; Life is Meals; Founders At Work; Ghost Wars.  I also started Dracula again.  This is my third start with it.  I like it each time and then get distracted.  Third time a charm?  Am also 150 pages into Nicholas and Alexandra.  And of course, So You Think You're Not Religious (thanks Dad).

This is not to mention various other things lying around: the NY Times, NY Magazine, the Atlantic Monthly, two issues of Vanity Fair, more cooking magazines than I care to admit, a few interior design mags (check out Blueprint, BTW - a little frantic, but great ideas), and many many others.

And this is not to mention what I read for work (blogs, newspapers, newsletters, research whitepapers, etc etc etc). 

Clearly I have a problem.  Or I have MADD (Media Attention Deficit Disorder).  I am reading so much that I am actually reading nothing.  I am reading while watching TV.  Unlike others, I will admit I am a mere mortal and am unable to do several things at once.  While my bookshelf might suggest I am a fabulously in the know person who is up on all kinds of things, this could not be further from the truth.  Crap.  I am a fraud!  I suspect that this fragmenting of my mind and attention is doing me a major disservice.  I am all talk and no knowledge.  I am comprehending little and retaining even less. 

Do others have secrets on how they manage to get through it all and at cocktail parties spout off facts that show they actually read it?  Where do you find the time!  Or is the answer that you take the Martha Stewart Bill Clinton approach - you are not human, you only need 2 hours of sleep, you are trained to speed read (oh no, it comes NATURALLY to you) and therefore consume a book a day...minimum.

Well, not I.  As much as I would like to be a speed reading, need no sleep, bring home the bacon and run a company all while doing power yoga woman, it's just not me.  This feels like a failing.  But that would be silly, wouldn't it?  To allow not being a super human to make you feel like a failure?  Who needs to to 55 things at once anyway?  Perhaps the way to not feel bad about realizing I am not The Bionic Woman is to view the situation through a different lens - the stop and smell the roses lens.  It's OK to read one thing at once.  It's OK to just watch a TV show and not try to get through Proust at the same time. 

So I vow to slow down.  Do one thing at a time, and do it well.  Not spread myself too thin.  Focus.  Do something to completion.  Slow down.  Breathe.

A few things I am thinking about this morning:

• How we have had virtually no Spring season.
• Brooklyn
• The growth of the Hispanic population in this country, and the opportunities that provides.
• Lunch.  What is for lunch.
• Spending a quiet weekend at home.  This weekend for me will be something like a silent retreat.
• How long has that uneaten apple been sitting on my desk?
• Why is it so common to underestimate the challenges of being a stay-at-home parent?
• Will long will it be before there will be more people watching Internet video on average, than broadcast television.
• Is it possible to travel through time?  Seriously.
• What it's like to feel a calling.
• What technologies my kids (G-d willing) will wonder how I lived without.
• Why some companies have great cultures/vibes, and others just don't.
• How I can barely remember what it was like to be at work and not have access to the Internet.

Things I Would Like to Do More of:

Let me get the obvious out of the way early - sleep, workout, see friends, talk to and see family.  Of course.   Now, on to the topic of the post:

Things I would like to do more of (or, in certain cases, do at all)...

- Rockclimbing (did this once in Utah and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.  Never before have I been so in the moment).

- Chess

- Backgammon

- Crossword puzzles

- Watercolor

- Listen to more jazz and classical music

- Read

- Play pool

- Cook complicated dishes

- Dinner parties at home

- Trapeze:  I also did this once here at the Trapeze School in New York.  It was amazing - without a doubt, one of the coolest experiences of all time.  You truly feel like you are flying.  It was terrifying (at least to me) but exhilarating all at the same time.  I did it once and in that one day, I hung upside down, dropped from the bar many many feet, and learned to do a catch (I was caught).  If you are able to do this, you must.  If you have a fear of heights, do this.  If you think you cannot, do this.  It's not like bungee jumping (have not done that).  I think over time you can learn to get really good at trapeze.  It's one of those things you do and you are totally in the moment.  Here is a link to some video from the school.   Do this.

The Obligatory 2007 Resolutions List

I like lists, and the New Year is a great time for lists.  The obvious list of one of resolutions.  So here, after a stream of consciousness, is my list of 2007 resolutions:

• Play more backgammon
• Do more crossword puzzles (good for the mind, and now that I am almost 40...well, 35...I need to work on the mind)
• Talk to my cats less (forget that, I love my cats and if I am a freak for talking to them, so be it)
• Work out more.  Yeah yeah, but it has to be there.  Maybe the right one is Run a Half Marathon
• Eat more food that comes from my own kitchen
• Read a new magazine every month (I picked up National Geographic the other day and was excited - what a cool publication.)
• Care more about what matters
• Focus more on a few things where I can go deep, rather than focusing on many and not doing any particularly well
• Be less of a crazed bitch ready to yell at an innocent tourist gaping stupidly at the billboards in Times Square, standing in my WAY as I JUST TRY TO GET MY COFFEE AND GO TO WORK!!!!  Damn, failing already.
• Organize my pictures, and take more pictures!  I love the idea of a visual archive of life.
• Take advantage of NYC's cultural offerings.  It is sad and pathetic that in the past year the most intellectual thing I have done is go to the movies - and see blockbusters, at that.  Why do I live here, if I am not taking advantage of what NYC has to offer?
• Eat more sweet potatoes and beets.  Because they are good AND good for me!
• Less IMing
• Thank people

(this list is getting long but this is fun!  I think I will keep going...)

• Smell the roses
• Review Russian vocabularly.  I used to be pretty good.  It's a crying shame I speak no languages other than English.
• Go back to Paris
• See and talk to friends more often
• Read at least three biographies...ideas, Martin Luther King, Jr.; Winston Churchill; Eleanor Roosevelt
• Go rock climbing, even if it's a man-built wall.  I did this once in Utah and loved it. 
• Less stuff that sucks.  More stuff I love.

Top of Mind

Making (MASTERING) cassoulet

Reading a poem a day

Getting up early (getting better at this)

Helping my portfolio companies

The side of my hair that is not cooperating

Pregnant friends.  Many pregnant friends.

Trips away with my husband!

Going to Sao Paulo just to get the miles to become Executive Platinum...how fun!

Living in the country...not to be confused with the suburbs

Mexico

Dry hands

Am in CA and am freezing. 

Needing to create stuff.  Painting, drawing.

Playing more backgammon

What is top of your mind?

Things I Wonder:

- Why are girls so bitchy to one another?

- Is there an afterlife?  If yes, is it better than this life?

- I have a horrible feeling that I know what rapid, terrible violence feels like - something like a car accident.  Is this a premonition or just my imagination? 

- What will I realize in 20 years that I don't know now?

- IS there a cure for cancer?

- If you had one chance to travel back to a moment in your life, what moment would that be?

- What effect will global warming have on my kids' (look how hopeful...KIDS plural!) lives?

- Will I ever live up to my definition of success?

- Will I reach a time in my career where I am fully confident in my abilities?

- Do fish have feelings?

- What does it feel like to give birth?

- How old will I be when I die?

- Do I have a real talent?  A prodigy-like talent?