Untitled.

Well...my friend was wrong.  My dad died last week, October 25th, at 12:05AM.  For the last week, I have had about a million thoughts going through my head.  This experience, losing a parent, is extraordinary and worth significant reflection.  It may be something I write about.  I am not sure yet.  I am a person who likes to write, and I have missed it this week.  But this is a post I don't really know how to start. 

So rather than start, I thought I would jot down a few notes about a few things I have on my mind. 

• Atheism

• Does God exist

• What happens when we die

• Why did he type a list of shampoos?

• I am glad he voted

• I am sad he did not see the outcome.

• I never thought he would see me or my sister get married.  He married both of us.

• I never thought he would meet my child.  Damn it, he met her and baptized her.

• I was out of "I never..." thoughts when it came to my dad.  He did them all.  I wonder if he was out of "Maybe I will never..." thoughts as well.

• How will my mom deal with this?

• Maybe she will have new worlds opened to her.

• Did he hear me when I was on the phone with him in the last moments?  When my mother held the phone to his ear while I had my last chance to speak to him.  We don't know if he heard.

• If you believe in heaven, dad is now chatting with Rachmaninoff, Toscanini, FDR, others. 

• I don't know if I believe in heaven.  I really want to more than ever now.

• The colors of this autumn have never seemed to vivid to me as they have this week.  Autumn was his favorite season, and mine too.

Also, he never really explained to me why he converted from Catholicism to Episcopalian.  And he did the biggest conversion of all - becoming an Episcopal priest.  I asked.  He always said "Oh, I will tell you that when we have a lot more time."

Hmmmm.

[Imagine a big sigh and a long silence here.]

So that barely scratches the surface.  I had my first moment tonight when I thought "Oh I will call my dad." and realized I can't. 

People say I look like him.  I wish I saw that.  I do know that he and I could almost always predict the others' thoughts.  But when I ask myself, "What would he be saying now?  What would he tell me to do?" I am coming up a little empty.  He would probably say the usual "keep on living" things but there would be something else.  Something uniquely Tom Dixon.  And damn it, I don't know what that would be.  I need that, and I can't get it.  

I suppose that was one thing that made him great - that he was not so predictable and that he would have that something special to say in a time like this.  So perhaps I can hold onto that - whatever THAT would have been.

Comments

[Heidi Scalzott]

Kylie,

Yes, I believe he did hear you when you spoke to him. And I am so glad to hear that you are out of "I never" statements with your dad. I don't know what he would say that was uniquely him, and I don't know how your Mom will deal with all of this. I only know that she will, and you will, and it will come to you. And, I am happy to be a sounding board if you need one. I have lost 3 fathers before I was 36. It's hard. Every single time, in different ways. And it does get better. And there are options. And I know you don't really know me at ALL, so just know that I am here in whatever capacity feels best for you....even if that's none at all. And in any case, having been there myself, I feel for you and your family..and your questions, and lack of defined answers.

Best,
Heidi Scalzott

[Don Ryan]

Nothing anyone will say will make sense of this moment. I lost my mom seven plus years ago and, while I receive many well intentioned and heart felt condolences, nothing made the event make sense. The pain will lessen but you will never stop missing your dad. I still, after all these years, when something cool or interesting or stressful happens in my life for a moment think of calling my mom to have her weigh in only to remember that option doesn't exist.

We don't know each other but I do enjoy your blog, reading your thoughts on VC or your new baby or the election. For what it's worth, I do feel for you at this time. Thoughts and prayers go out to you.

[dawn]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Time will help to lessen the pain & you will see him in Avery & that will make you smaile. My thoughts are with you.