chapter XVII

Cake and Sagge

One of the best things about having a child is the opportunity to see that child learn and grow.  Even the little things - when they first smile, when they first use their hands.  And every once in a while, they really astonish you.  Tonight I had two such moments with our daughter. 

I got home from work and she and I were treasure hunting through my work bag.  Out of nowhere, she says "Cake!".  I said "We don't have any cake." She looked at me, as if to say "You fool" got up, went to my bookshelf full of no fewer than 75+ cookbooks and fished out At Home with Magnolia.  She brought it to me, pointed to the cover and said "cake!"

I was a little speechless.  I knew she knew the word "cake."  I did not realize that at age not quite 21 months she would somehow know THAT cookbook and associate it with cake, let alone be able to fish it out of a crowd.  I had never shown it to her before.  She then got up, went back over to the shelf and picked out none other than More From Magnolia.  She came back, said "Lap!", sat down on my lap, and we paged through the cookbooks looking at cakes as if we were reading Mother Goose.  I go to bed with cookbooks too.  Clearly, this trait runs in the family.

And clearly, my girl likes cake.

And further evidence she is not one to deprive herself of the great pleasure of life, this weekend in the car she pointed her little barefoot foot of hers at me and said "sagge?" as in "massage."  And tonight as I rubbed her back before turning out the light, she said "sagge" once again. 

Clever girl.  No doubt she is her mother and father's daughter.

Recipe tweaking, my daughter the clepto and a desperate housewife.

Well I just cannot leave well enough alone - and that is good because we all have our own mark to make on this world.  So yes, I am going to tweak a well reviewed, well received, professionally edited recipe from Epicurious.  Here it is: Roasted Chicken Breasts with Paprika, Chick Peas and Tomatoes.  It was good.  It would have been great with one major modification: no oil on the chicken.  Yes, use the spice oil on everything else but on the chicken alone, just shake cumin, smoked paprika, salt and pepper.  Make sure, btw, that you DRY the chicken first.  The key here is crispy skin.  I hate soggy chicken skin.  Truly, what is more vile?  But crispy?  Truly, what is more delicious?  So why add oil?  Oil only defeats your quest for crispy skin.  And yes, I used thighs. I like thighs better because, well, they taste better.  This is a matter of personal preference. 

My 18 month old daughter is a thief.  She lifted a Hershey Bar at a grocery store today as we rolled through checkout.  Oh yeah, that was my kid.  This is yet another sign that she is channeling my dad.  Not because he was a chocoholic (he was - EPIC) but because my Episcopal priest of a dad had a tad of the clepto in him.  Let it be said, post-humous, that he was known to in his words "sample" the merchandise at grocery stores and other establishments.  He never got caught.  Divine intervention.  And for the record, I returned the incriminating evidence (good thing I am a total chocolate snob and only eat dark expensive chocolate).

John Hughes has died and this is a major loss to our culture.  I grew up with those movies.  This calls for a marathon.

I had no child care today so ended up taking a vacation day at home with the kiddo.  How did we spend our time?  Naturally, channeling suburban mothers far and wide, we went to Target.  Damn that place.  Is there a $100 tax upon entry?  Seriously, I went for diapers and left a c-note poorer.  There was that little toy for Avery, the wipes that I remembered were running low, cannot forget the overnight diapers and of course, there was Ina.  I have been holding out on buying Ina's new cookbook Back to Basics but today I caved.  So in her honor, tonight I am making dinner from said cookbook.  Menu: Tuscan Chicken, Asiago Polenta (inspired by her cheddar grits), Confetti Corn.  And then, not inspired by Ina, blueberry turnovers.  For the record, I am barefoot, I was in the kitchen and I am not pregnant, all suburban not working today mom evidence to the contrary.

I don't even know what happened in the market today.

Close to finishing The History of Love - pretty darn good book though I loved her hubby's book Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close much better.

And finally, anyone notice that in the children's book Where Is Baby's Mommy, the mom is only found at the end buried in the bed with the covers over her head?  Could she be more depressed!  Anyone else have a desperate housewife moment with that one?  Seriously, they may as well have put tequila in her sippy cup! 

Great Gift Idea

I meant to write about this a while ago but forgot!  So here we go - if you are looking for a great gift to give new parents, have I got an idea for you.  New parents get many wonderful gifts - books, blankets, clothes.  We got to know our UPS guy personally after Avery was born. 

And then a friend sent us an email basically saying "Call this number, our treat."  So we called the number and wouldn't you know it but it was a personal chef on the other end of the line.  Our friends had hired her to come and cook for us one night, to celebrate the arrival of our daughter.  How fabulous is THAT. 

We talked to her about food likes (many) and dislikes (few), favorite meals of all time, and other particulars to give her some ideas.  And then, she arrived at our house one evening after we had put Avery down and calmly started to set up.  She set the table, arranged the kitchen, and poured us glasses of wine.

She proceeded to serve us a delicious four course meal including watercress soup with white asparagus, red snapper, quail and a rhubarb tart.  She cooked, served the meal and cleaned up the kitchen.  She was quiet as a church mouse and cooked like a fiend. 

It was heaven.  We had not been out in weeks, had a little anxiety about leaving as we had not yet hired a babysitter with whom we were comfortable and were hankering for a nice evening with real food - prepared by someone else. 

I don't think it is the cheapest gift, but I would definitely do this for someone else - maybe go in on it with other people - because it was different, in line with just what we needed, memorable and a huge treat.  Here are a few pictures from the evening:

 

Observations from a Working Mom on a Business Trip

As many of you know, I am a fairly new mother.  And I have a full time job.  Right now I am in California, nearly 3,000 miles away from The Bean, Crunch 'n Munch, Super Baby, Avery Boo, Little Punky La Roux (if you have a child, I am sure you can relate to the nicknames).  I am currently on my first extended business trip away from her.  I have been away from her before for a few days, in Germany for a wedding.  That was hard.  This is hard too, but different since it's for work.  I am still new at this mothering thing, but have a few working out-of-the-home mother observations.  Here they are:

• Comfort with leaving her is directly related to having a great nanny.  We have a great nanny.  I never think twice when I leave the house.  Even for a few days.

• She is ok without me.  Her father is a great caregiver.  I am not the only one who can raise her.  I know this sounds like an obvious observation, but I think mothers have a gene that tells us we have to be the one who does things.  I know that is not true.  It's great if I can be that one, but let me not undermine or underestimate her father's ability to take great care of her.

• She will remember me when I get back.  It may take her a second (she is only 8 months old...not even...7 months and 3 weeks) but recognition "wait, I know this person" happens.  That is a wonderful thing.

• Being away clarifies work for me - I better love what I do, or else.  If not, being away shines a bright light in your face that you cannot ignore, as there is real sacrifice.  Thank goodness I have a very meaningful career.

• And finally, there are two first times for everything: the first time she does something, and the first time I see/hear/witness it.  So far this week, I have missed "Ma Ma Ma", the first real crawling and picking up an object with two fingers.  Big sigh.  There is an upside...perhaps if I stay away long enough, she will be potty trained when I return.

Baby Stuff

If you don't have any interest in babies and baby stuff, stop reading right here as this is sure to be one of those incredibly irritating, who the hell cares, kind of posts.  Others, let's proceed.

As a new parent, you get tons of advice.  Interestingly, in the last few days I have been asked twice by pregnant people for a few words of wisdom about what you really need, etc pre and post child arrival.  As if I have words of wisdom...but far be it from me to ruin someone's image of another's intelligence and insight :-).  So here goes, a few words of wisdom...

Pre-Birth:

• On Maternity Clothes: The key is to embrace your new self. Don’t try to hide under a tent. www.isabellaoliver.com has great stuff. The t-shirts are especially good - spandex etc. and I loved their kimono style jackets. Target also has good clothes, as does www.mimimaternity.com and http://www.apeainthepod.com. I found I needed two pair of jeans (one bootleg, one skinny leg), a couple pair of black pants and then I went for fitted, monochrome shirts. Patterns can be scary on a pregnant woman. Black, as always, continues to make you feel slim if that is the goal.  Don't be afraid of wearing heels if you can tolerate them (I continued to wear my tall black boots as long as possible). Fitted is better than blousy.
• The Giggle registry guide is a pretty good list of what you need at various levels of low to high maintenance (parents, that is, not high maintenance babies).
• Get a haircut before the baby is born. A good haircut goes a long way, and after the kid comes around wash and go is what you want (or close to it).
• Pay to have the crib assembled.  The Big H is handy but it took the crib guys 10 minutes and it would have taken my husband a couple of hours.
• This site is cool and it is where we found her name: www.nymbler.com.

After the baby is born:

• Wipes: Mustella are too expensive and don’t come out of the package easily. We love the Pampers wipes. They are affordable, offer a sensitive version, and the container is refillable. Brilliant! Ease of use when dealing with poo is key.
• That said, the Mustella bath products are awesome.
• Receiving blankets that stretch to really wrap baby up when you swaddle: organic swaddle blankets from Giggle). A little more expensive but I use these all the time and the plain cotton cheaper ones, sadly, I never use.
• When you go to bed, place a change of sleepware out next to you. I found that I got night sweats and it was good to change in the middle of the night – made the rest of the sleeping much more comfortable.
• Open-front shirts: if breastfeeding (which, by the way, is the BEST way to lose weight) you are opening and closing your shirt all day long. Have a lot of these around. Button-downs, zip up hoodies. Whatever you need.
• Get slippers with no skid bottoms: I made sure I got dressed every day after bringing the Bean home (it’s surprisingly easy to stay in PJs all day, and I felt like a shlump doing that), but shoes, no thanks. No skid slippers were the answer – comfy feet with no worries of slipping = happy mom.
• During the day, sleep when the baby sleeps. It makes a difference.
• I did find that I had stretches of time when she was sleeping when I did not know what to do with myself. So, I watched TV/movies and read books and felt guilty about it (TYPE A). I would keep doing all of that but looking back, would drop the guilt.
• Food: you need lots of things you can eat with one hand. At least I did as I found myself holding said baby all the time. Load up on string cheese, apples, drinkable yogurt, make a bunch of hard boiled eggs (yes you need two hands to peel but peel a couple when the kid is asleep and then you have them ready to go that day), hot dogs, turkey/ham for quick sandwiches, lots of water bottles (I found I was drinking a ton and having bottles around filled with cold water was a god-send), carrots, cut celery, radishes, hummus…things you can easily snack on. I also stocked up on soup (you can drink this one handed from a mug), frozen pizzas, popsickles, etc. I tried to find healthy options. Containers of cottage cheese also served me right – calcium and protein, ready to eat quickly. Berries were great – especially if they did not require cutting. Grapes. Loved having grapes around. Also, Perdue Oven Stuffer Roasters. Roasting a chicken is really easy, takes no effort, and yields great results, some of which can be enjoyed one handed!  And it makes your house smell homey when its cooking, so you feel all kinds of domesticated.  And this is the time to relish the good parts of being domesticated (as opposed to the bad parts like loneliness and isolation).
• A notebook: I kept a log of the baby's eating, pooping and peeing. This may seem a tad neurotic but it gave me peace of mind.  And of course I can use it against her when she is a teenager.  You will also get a ton of gifts, so you need a place to note what you got from whom. And of course there are a ton of questions that came up…all of the above went into the Master Bean Notebook. I suggest one from Moleskine – the best notebooks on the planet.
• Mylicon: she was gassy. This seemed to help a little, but not a lot. Different things work for different kids.
• I would skip buying a humidifier right away. I have one, we have not used it. I would see if I needed it before getting it again.
• Changing table disposable pads: we went through a ton of these. Tons.
• Diapers: obviously you will need these. We liked Pampers Swaddlers. Get one package for when you get home – Newborns. These may not fit but probably will. As soon as you know if they fit, buy at least four more packages. And on that note, snag as many as you can from the hospital.
• Embrace www.diapers.com
• A&D ointment: we used a ton of this. Good stuff.
• Burp cloths: you will go through a lot of these. Get many.
• Long sleeve kimono style t-shirts for the baby, front open – not over the head, 0-3 months size. These were great. The stump can remain somewhat exposed since this is not in a onsie, and her arms stay warm since it’s long-sleeved, and changing in and out of it causes less of a ruckus (we gave birth to a ruckus maker) since it’s not an over the head t-shirt.
• Arrange for a cleaning person. I don’t know if baby nurses clean, but we did not get a baby nurse and therefore, it was great to have a cleaning person come in and straighten everything up, change the bed, dust, etc.
• On swings and bouncy seats…we broke down and got the rainforest swing. The verdict is out as to whether or not this is really helpful. She seems to like it for a few minutes, but if she wants to be held, ain’t nothing stopping that.  On the bouncy seat, we bought the “all form no function” Oeuf bouncy seat. She did not like it when she was little. Now she loves it, moves her legs to make it bounce (unlike the others that bounce for her with a battery) and it looks nice in our house.
• We love the Ergo carrier. It’s really comfortable, she seems to like it and it’s really comfortable for me since the weight is distributed around the hips and not the shoulders. Big fan of this product.
• I hated these baby sleeping gowns with the elastic opening at the bottom.  The gown hooches up and that sucks. Instead, I loved footed onsies.  Buy lots of these.  
• I would ignore all advice from health practitioners and would introduce a bottle almost day one. We did not, and that little girl REFUSED a bottle for weeks. It caused me piles of stress. I bet even just one a day, filled with formula or breastmilk, would have been fine and then you have an option of having someone else feed the baby – not always you.
• We love Boudreaux’s Butt Paste for night diapering. So far, no rashes!
• We did not get a baby nurse.  Before the baby arrived, people told us we would die if we did not get a baby nurse.  We did not die.  It was doable.  Getting a night nurse, a baby nurse, or having family/friends around to help you, in my opinion, should be driven solely by your personality.  I did not want someone else in my house and I tend to need to learn things myself before utilizing help.  Others learn well from others.  Just know thyself and proceed accordingly. 
• I did not get a bottle dryer.  The drying bottles and other accessories are in a colander on my counter and that works just fine.  And for sanitizing, I toss them in the dishwasher.
• I did not get a wipe warmer. I love my child, but I don’t want her thinking someone has to wipe her tush with warmed wipes. I mean, come on.
• I got crib bedding from here. It’s very cool looking and I love it.

So that is what worked for me.  And of course, I offer up all of the usual politically correct, non-judgmental caveats such as "it's all personal choice", "different things work for different people" etc. etc.  That is all true, but do as I say :-)

Many Good Things

People say having a baby changes your life and puts things in perspective for you.  I cannot disagree...these are pretty obvious effects of bringing a new being into the world.  What I did not count on was the outpouring of good wishes and overwhelming generosity of people far and wide.  These last few months have been extraordinary, and a solid reminder that we are not alone.  Now, I did not really feel alone, but it's nice to be reminded overtly at times that people care.  So I don't forget, I thought I would take a minute to jot down a few things that happened:

Friends from all over came to visit.  Some came to our house multiple times.  Some came from other cities to meet the new kid.  People are still coming...my godmother is making the trek from England in the fall to NYC to meet her. 

People sent gifts.  Tons and tons of gifts.  More than when we were married.  Gifts came from friends, people from work, family, people I had not spoken to in more than 20 years.  Yes, 20 years - family friends and a pom pom coach from high school sent gifts (you read that right, yes, I was on the pom squad.  Perhaps another post on that later).

People made food.  There was brisket, mac and cheese, and chicken salad.  Two friends arrived with a full array of meats and cheeses, then they baked a cake and we drank wine.  Another set of friends have arranged for a private chef to cook us a meal (a private chef!).  We are spoiled people.

People called to check in.  They called regularly even to just leave a message saying "thinking of you."  This made a huge difference in my level of happiness.

And before she even arrived, b-school friends and my sister threw me a party, a shower.  I resisted a shower, but then said "What the hell."  And it was great.  I received a million things I did not know I would need, and now I use them all the time.  There was sushi and chocolate cupcakes and sandwiches.  There were children's books everywhere.  And again, people came from far and wide.  One friend who lives in CA showed up...she had just returned from a trip to the Seychelles, and a mere two days later re-boarded a plane and headed to NYC for a day and a half.  A day and a HALF. 

To say the least, all of this has rendered me near speechless, and wonderfully overwhelmed.  And it's a good reminder to pick up the phone and call someone.  I am not sure I have been as good a friend to people at times like this, I am not sure I knew it would be so appreciated.  So lesson learned, and much appreciated.

Wishes

It's funny when you have a child...all of a sudden you find yourself thinking of your hopes and dreams for them, including even the smallest of things.  Here is a start of a list for our new addition (let's call her, Lil A, as one of my friends does).  So, Lil A, here you go, a few hopes and wishes for you, off the top of my head...I wish for you...

To dance flamenco in a Spanish courtyard
To find your favorite places and visit them often
To relish every moment as that is all we have in life
To find your own happiness, whatever that means to you
To dare to taste new things
To find sports where you can experience the thrill of hard work and physical exertion
To be OK crossing things off your list that you decide are not for you...yet always being open to possibilities and your ever changing sensibilities
To know the value of good friends...your own age and those from other generations
To create memories of family traditions that you will carry on and ultimately make your own
To face the things you fear
To allow yourself to feel
To taste real Texas BBQ, bacon and coffee in Minaki, and your Grandmother's Christmas goose
To know how to hook a fish and build a shore lunch
To drive boats and relish swimming in cold fresh water
To pick crabs for hours and hours
And let great classical works wash over you
To get up from a fall
To see the Met rooftop on a glorious day and feel the joy of first snows in the Park
To experience flying through the air on a trapeze
To experience the highs, lows and contentedness that accompany true love
To find a poem you want to memorize
To do things not because you are good at them necessarily, but because you enjoy them
To experience multitudes of people from different areas of your life coming together to be with you
To not fear the dark
To know you are loved
To know you are always being thought about
To laugh

And much much more I cannot even imagine but that will inform your senses and your being as you live...and to do that, live in the moment fully not halfway.  Take your time. 

Maternity Leave

I don't really know how to begin writing about maternity leave.  It ends now.  Tomorrow is my first day back at work.  So let me start simply, with just the facts:

Pregnant, and months of anticipation; give birth; about 12 weeks off to recover and learn to be a parent; go back to work.

And now, the sub-text.  Tomorrow I go back to work.  People say things like "I hope it will not be too difficult"; "Are you OK?"; "Nice to have you back."  And the answers are, it will be manageable, yes I am OK, and thanks, it's nice to be back.

But wow, what a period of time this has been.  It's hard to know where to start if you want to reflect on this time off called maternity leave.  It's not a vacation, nor a sabbatical.  It's not easy but it was not as hard as I had anticipated (the having a baby and learning to take care of her, that is).  I did not know what to expect and yes, it took me by surprise. 

There were times of loneliness.  I was at home with a being that could not talk.  None of my friends were at home.  I talked to a being that could not talk.  For weeks.

There were times of guilt...the baby did, after all, sleep.  During those times, what did I do?  Hello, Oprah.  I never slept in (that was not possible), I rarely napped (not my thing) but I did spend a lot of time in very comfortable clothes (I would not go so far as PJ's all day but it would have been possible).  I had been warned that it would be so bad I would not be able to find time for a shower or even to brush my teeth.  That did not happen.  I managed to take care of myself and then some, thank you very much.  I had no intention of losing myself completely, and if that meant she cried for a few minutes, well, so be it.  I figured letting her cry and pulling myself together, was better than no tears from her while I felt like a disheveled disaster who could not manage a shower. 

There's more.  I had this funny realization one day that from now on, and for at least the next 15 years, yes YEARS, we would need a sitter anytime we wanted to go out on our own.  That is a change.  OK, so I can swallow that, but that is WAY different. 

And then we found a nanny.  I remember the first time we had her stay and babysit one night.  We went out for dinner. It was the first time the Big H and I had been out in weeks.  And it was glorious.  It was sushi and only two hours and it was heaven.

I could not and did not anticipate the feelings associated with being a parent.  I heard someone say that having a child is like walking around for the rest of your life with your heart outside.  And that is about right.  It's like getting hit by a train in a really great way.  We look at her sometimes and just stare.  I love my friends, family and husband but can honestly say, some of my most memorable and engaging conversations ever are with her now.  And she cannot talk.  That is saying something.

I remember the first time I took her out on my own.  I caught a glimpse of myself with the stroller and freaked out.  That was me.  In the window.  With the stroller.  It was a Thursday and I was not at work.  I was wearing jeans on a Thursday, mid-day, walking around with my new baby.  As I was out with her, she started to cry.  And she cried loudly.  And I had to keep going.  I was in the drugstore with the crying baby and had to take a deep breath.  I was THAT LADY with the screaming baby.  And that was OK.

And none of this makes sense.  I can feel myself rambling.  But I am going back to work tomorrow.  This time has passed and I need to reflect on it.  And so here I am, reflecting.  Trying to pull these thoughts together in a neat package with a thesis is hopeless.  So I ramble.

And then there was the change from feeling like she was totally dependent on me, to liberation.  I could be with her, and then leave her with the trusted nanny, and know she would be OK.  This did not happen overnight.  She refused a bottle, and I thought she would starve.  Yes, starve.  The fear of starving your child is not easily overcome.  But one day after hiring the Trusted Nanny, I left the house.  Left her with the Trusted Nanny.  And 20 minutes later, said nanny called me and said "She ate three ounces.  Don't worry."  At this moment I burst into tears.  I was in a restaurant a block away fearing my child would starve, and then learned she would be OK.  I was thrilled and sad.  Thrilled I knew she would eat.  Sad she did not totally need me.  I was not immune to the guilt this caused..."But shouldn't I WANT to be attached like that?  What does that say about me that I feel trapped by this need?". 

I have since gotten over that.  I realized I am a better parent when I am confident these duties can be shared.  I don't think this makes me a bad parent.

The interesting thing is, I did not realize how scared and clueless I was until now.  Now I am much more confident with her.  If maternity leave started now, I would do it differently because I can.  I did not realize then how lacking in confidence I was until now when I actually feel more confident.  I wonder if this phenomenon will continue as she gets older.

But it's funny.  It's only been three months, and I am much more confident, and am OK leaving her with the Nanny while I go do something else...but I still miss her even now as she sleeps in the next room.

I am a nostalgic, sensitive, feeling person, but damn it, I never thought I would be this sappy.  I am now embracing my inner sap.  I am, after all, sappy.  It could be worse.

And now it's time to learn to be a Working Mother.  I have read about this experience before.  I have heard women talk about it.  And here I go.  I am at the top of the water slide called "Working Mother"...you know, the kind where you can see the first bit but not much thereafter, and you pray there is a cool welcoming pool at the other end.  I am thankful I have a great job. If I didn't, I would be miserable. 

I am now bittersweet.  I am sad.  I am moving to the next chapter, but yes, I am sad.  First Child Maternity Leave is a time of unexplainable emotions, and therefore, rambling blog posts with snippets of thoughts and reflections.  I wish I could go back to many of the moments I had.  It went too fast.  She is already in size 2 diapers and though this is trivial, it is yet another example of time flying.  The only answer to any of this, the somewhat melancholy piece of having a child, reflecting on the early days and going back to "real life" is the lesson that applies to so many things...to Be Here Now.  Focus on the immediate and relish every bit of it. 

The Moment of Truth

And there she is in the swing, sound asleep. 

Do I move her?  She needs to sleep in her crib. What if I wake her.  She could be up for hours.

There is no alternative!  She cannot sleep in the swing.  It's not safe.  How did she fall asleep there in the first place?

It just happened.  Time passed and I did not look at the clock.  Besides, it's natural to fall asleep while being rocked.

But a bad habit.

It's not a habit.  She has gone down several of the past few nights right in her crib - partly AWAKE, I might add.  She got herself to sleep in the crib.

So move her.  It should be fine.

<Three minute interlude>

And she is down in the crib.  Her eyes did not even open.  I closed the door, grabbed the monitor, and now we pray. 

Dear God, please let her keep sleeping for a while.  Perhaps this can be the night she sleeps through the night? 

One might be tempted to think this dialog happened between me and, oh I don't know, someone ELSE.  But no, just me, talking to myself about moving my baby 20 feet. 

I had no idea I would think like this.  No clue.

Sign of the Times

And here I am, shlumped over my kitchen counter, fork in hand, eating chocolate cake straight from the pan...I put the baby in the swing (foul number 1), got her to take her pacifier (crutch and foul number 2...my mother never made me take a pacifier...GUILT GUILT) and turned the swing on to rock her (BIG foul number 3) in order to get her to sleep.  To be clear, I know that the goal is motionless sleep, Silly New Mom, not crutch-induced sleep.

My fork somehow continues to make its way into the cake and then into my mouth.  I rationalize this Bad Mom Behavior (I wonder if my husband stresses about these things) by telling myself "It's just tonight...today she had those nasty vaccinations and she feels terrible...TOMORROW I will get her to sleep naturally at 8PM with no use of habit-forming, you-will-regret-them-later, crutches."

As one friend of mine said, "It's the greatest thing ever to have a child, but you have never felt so much guilt, and your mind never rests completely easy again, because you just want them to always be OK."

Thank goodness for simple guilty pleasures, like eating a quarter, OK HALF a chocolate cake by yourself while standing at the counter.